My ten favorite facts about Chuck Norris
There are a lot of things you don't know about Chuck Norris...
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can
accidentally
beat the shit out of little kids. - Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
- Chuck Norris won
Jumanji
without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. - Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
beard.
Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. - The original theme song to the Transformers was actually
Chuck Norris — more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris — robot in disguise,
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Check out the top 30 facts here. Also check out facts about Mr. T or Vin Diesel.
Posted in Humor | 28 Comments | Add yours
Comments and TrackBacks
3 matt said...
Josie has met him and his wife. Supposedly a very nice guy and he does a lot for charity, blah blah
Too bad he is about Josie's height.
Posted on November 24, 2005 at 08:11 PM
5 Chuck Norris said...
[expletive deleted] right i raped him
Posted on November 24, 2005 at 08:48 PM
6 dirty jose said...
this has to be the funniest thing ive read in years and it was amazing how accurate everything was. give me more OSOKIN
Posted on November 30, 2005 at 03:36 AM
7 pat weiner said...
anyone who [expletive deleted] with chuck norris deserves a roundhouse kick to the face...
Posted on December 15, 2005 at 10:22 AM
8 tony and big e said...
me and big e round house kicked chuck norris in the face and he cried like danny tanner from full house.
UNCLE JESSE is so much SWEETER.
Posted on January 11, 2006 at 11:38 AM
9 uncle jesse said...
yeah im way sweeter than chuck norris.
next time i see that little pussy im going to throw his girly ass off the roof of the library. Im then going to drink some PBR (pabst blue ribbon beer) over his dead body.
Posted on January 11, 2006 at 11:41 AM
10 -!-_BiG-RaB_-!- said...
did you know that chuck norris also recently decided 2 sell his urine as a drink... we know this drink as red bull :)....
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
-!-_RobiN-ElL_2k6_-!-
Posted on January 13, 2006 at 05:54 PM
11 Brian said...
A new one...
"Chuck Norris saved President Bush from choking on a pretzel by roundhouse kicking him in the throat. Chuck didn't realize he was choking, he just wanted to roundhouse kick him in the throat."
Posted on March 24, 2006 at 05:34 PM
12 McDoobie said...
If Chuck Norris was in the Navy Facts
Body: 1. Chuck Norris makes rank whenever he damn well pleases.
2. Chuck Norris doesnt go to Captains Mast, the Captain comes to him.
3. C.N.O. stands for Chuck Norris Oooooooo.
4 . Pilots don't use ejection seats, they simply pull the ejection handle and Chuck Norris comes out and roundhouse kicks them in the ass and ejects them.
5. Jets don't need engines, Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicks the jet into the air.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't take the exam, the exam takes Chuck Norris.
7. All other countries fear our Navy, because we have Chuck Norris.
8. All of our ships should be named The USS CHUCK NORRIS..
9. Chuck Norris can cross the foul line whenever he wants.
10. Chuck Norris needs no float coat. Period.
11. If Chuck Norris had a call sign, it would be...Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris once pulled the anchor up by himself.
13. Everyday is a beer day for Chuck Norris.
14. Chuck Norris can air a tire directly in front of it.
15. ORM does not apply to Chuck Norris.
16. It takes about 80,000 rivets, 30,000 washers, 10,000 screws and bolts to make an aircraft fly, and Chuck Norris to destroy it.
17. Chuck Norris can load a Phoenix on a Tomcat with only his left hand.
18. Chuck Norris doesnt need OJT, OJT needs Chuck Norris.
19. Chuck Norris didn't go to bootcamp, bootcamp came to him.
20. Every 84 day Chuck Norris goes out and looks at the jet and fasteners take their own ass out.
21. The crow and chevrons will be replaced by multitudes of Chuck Norris's face.
22. Every medal, award, and commendation will be renamed the NORRIS!!!
23. NAM=Norris achievement medal.
24. You don't need a cranial when your beard is made of steel.
25. Chuck Norris doesn't need earplugs, jet noise runs from Chuck Norris!
26. All NAVY uniforms will change to the desert Norris, consisting of a cowboy hat, wranglers, cowboy boots, and an asskicking shirt.
27. Chuck Norris needs no tool tags.
28. Chuck Norris's tools inventory themselves.
29. No steam is required on the cats when Chuck Norris has a roundhouse.
30. Every jet sent into Bahgdad will be armed with only one Chuck Norris standing between the vert stabs.
31. Chuck Norris doesn't need quals, quals need Chuck Norris.
32. Every squadron will be renamed the Norris's, and have a picture of his face on each stab.
33. No crane is need when Chuck Norris is working on an AYB-1036.
34. Chuck Norris's ID card says, FUCK YOU I'M CHUCK NORRIS!
35. Chuck Norris doesn't wait in the liberty line, the liberty line waits for Chuck Norris.
36. Liberty boats are not needed when Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you ashore.
37. Chuck Norris doesn't need a damn no-shave chit.
38. Chuck Norris smokes wherever he wants to smoke.
39. Chuck Norris doesn't do wog day, wog day does Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris didn't go to the four floors of whores, the whores came to his rack.
41. Chuck Norris sleeps during cleaning stations, because Chuck Norris doesn't clean.
42. During PRT the track runs around Chuck Norris.
43. Chuck Norris secures maintenance whenever he damn well feels like it.
44. Chuck Norris doesn't do Black Knight Friday's.
45. You don't need a torque wrench when you got Chuck Norris.
46. Chuck Norris's cheater bar is his penis.
47. We don't need nukes, when we got Chuck Norris.
48. Chuck Norris never slips because his feet are made of Non-Skid.
49. You don't need shower shoes when your Chuck Norris.
50. Chuck Norris's rack mattress is a bed of nails.
51. Jet blast deflectors aren't needed when Chuck Norris is tanning on the flight deck.
52. Chuck Norris's cigarette lighter is an F-14 Tomcat.
53. No highpower chain is needed when Chuck Norris is leaning against the nose.
54. If a yellow shirt doesn't know what the hell they are doing, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the jet to the six-pack.
55. S.E.A.L.S dream of being Chuck Norris.
56. Chuck Norris wears whatever color shirt he feels like.
57. A High and Tight for Chuck Norris is how far he roundhouse kicks your ass.
58. Flight schedule is worked around Chuck Norris's sex times.
59. Chuck Norris doesn't ask QA if their ready he tells them.
60. You don't need a CDI when your Chuck Norris, because if you are, your never wrong.
61. Chuck Norris's mafs sign themselves off.
62. Submarines will now fire off one Chuck Norris in a tube.
63. Carriers don't need nuclear power when you have Chuck Norris in the back kicking.
64. Chuck Norris hazes whoever the hell he wants too, including the Skipper.
65. Chuck Norris doesn't need to walk to the head, his shit walks its damn self.
66. Incoming missiles bounce off Chuck Norris.
67. Sea Whiz Operations will now consist of Chuck Norris chewing a bunch of bullets and spitting them out.
68. JP5 is no longer needed when you have Chuck Norris's piss.
69. Hydraulic Fluid is now replaced with the blood of Chuck Norris's vitims.
70. Everyone salutes Chuck Norris, even his own shadow.
71. Chuck Norris didn't need the anthrax shot, the anthrax need a shot of Chuck Norris.
72. Senior Chief Pegg had a yellow bracelet on his wrist that has the letters W.W.C.N.D. What Would Chuck Norris Do.
73. The ship does not retard the time back, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks it to the time zone he thinks it should be.
74. When bootcamp came to Chuck Norris, his RDC didn't drop him, Chuck Norris dropped the RDC with a roundhouse kick to his head.
75. Chuck Norris is the only man in the world who can piss off the bow of the flightdeck and not get any on him.
76. Carriers no longer will need arresting wires as long as Chuck Norris stands in the middle of the L.A. and grabs the tailhook to down the jet to the flight deck.
77. There will only be one rate in the Navy. CN for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sews his rank on with Chest hair.
78. Chuck Norris's evals are all 5.0's, the remarks all read, "I'm Chuck Norris".
79. Chuck Norris's uniform collars are 24 inches long, just enough room to cover every rank in the NAVY.
80. Chuck Norris's Advancement in Paygrade Letter reads, "Chuck Norris is authorized to wear the uniform of whatever rank he damn well pleases!"
81. Within two minutes at bootcamp, Chuck Norris was award every medal and ribbon, twice.
82. If Maverick was Chuck Norris, he would have roundhouse kicked Sundown into next week for touching him.
Posted on April 11, 2006 at 03:56 PM
13 Michael Janson said...
Sure Chuck Norris is cool and a bad ass, but if he were to get in a fight with A.C. Slater he would go down and he would go down hard.
Posted on April 12, 2006 at 01:13 PM
14 Kick K said...
I have been trying to put a club together to go and meet at an undisclosed time and place to go and worship the teachings of Chuck Norris. Each meeting will begin with a group song the song of course will be Eyes of a Ranger. After song and prayer we do roundhouse kicks untill we pass out for more info email me at kasdoggydogg@hotmail.com
Posted on April 12, 2006 at 01:22 PM
18 conal said...
i have beaten as many puppies as chuck norris has asses
Posted on April 28, 2006 at 05:10 PM
19 Chuck Norris said...
If you have $5 and Chuck Norris has $5...he has more then you...
Posted on May 29, 2006 at 09:30 AM
20 Tyler said...
Chuck Norris hates me because I'm stupid, immature, and can't control my language when Mommy isn't around.
Posted on June 22, 2006 at 12:14 PM
21 >^..^< said...
# Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
# The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
# There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill
# The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. cancer
# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls
# Chuck Norris is my homeboy
# Chuck Norris doesn't go huntingChuck Norris goes killing
# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
# Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
# Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
# Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
# Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
# Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
# Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
# Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
# Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
# Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
# Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
# Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
# Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
# When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
# Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be
# Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
# Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
# While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
# Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
# Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
# For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
# Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
# When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
# Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
# When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
# Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
# Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
# Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
# Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
# If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
# Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
# You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
# The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
# Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
# When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
# It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
# Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
# A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
# Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
# There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team" not even close.
# Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
# An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
# Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
# Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
# Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
# Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
# Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
# The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
# Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
# The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
# Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
# A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
# It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
# Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
# The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
# Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
# As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
# Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
# Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
# Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
# 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
# Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
# When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
# Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
# Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
# In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
# Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
# If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
# Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
# MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
# What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
# The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
# There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
# Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
# The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
# Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
# The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
# Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
# Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
# When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
# On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
# Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
# Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
# Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
# It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
# It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
# Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
# That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
# Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
# Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
# Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
# Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
# As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
# Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
# Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
# Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
# Chuck Norris invented the internet just so he had a place to store his porn.
# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
# It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
# Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
# Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
# When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
# "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
# When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
# Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
# One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
# Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Posted on July 06, 2006 at 11:24 PM
22 Danger said...
Chuck Norris ate my little sister... them became my step father
Posted on July 22, 2006 at 10:56 PM
23 spicoli said...
1.Chuck norris doesn't play soccer, becasue if he did he would litterly round house kick the ball past planet Pluto
2.Chuck Norris doesn't play baseball, because if he did it would be with the planets & the giant siquia trees in California
3.Chuck Norris doesn't compiet in the NFL combine, becasue if he did this is what would happen:
A.He would run all versions of the 40 yd dash in .0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds or less
B.his vertical jump would litterly be higher then the moon
C.OK since the combine is in Indainapolis Indiana Chuck Norris's broad jump would be go further then Austrila
Posted on July 25, 2006 at 02:11 PM
24 spicoli said...
Hey Alen guess what Chuck Norris also eats babies and if I remember right he smoked you and all your friends in a baby eating contest.
Posted on July 25, 2006 at 02:13 PM
25 spicoli said...
Hey Christina you rock and so does Chuck Norris, beause he can round house kick any thing and I mean anything past planet Pluto.
Posted on July 25, 2006 at 02:15 PM
26 spicoli said...
Hey Michael Janson I got one thing to say about your comment on AC Slater Bull SH!T AC Slater sucks get with the TV world.
Posted on July 25, 2006 at 02:18 PM
27 spicoli said...
Chuck Norris one kicked Vin Diesel, Jena Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chann, Sylvester Stalone, Stephen Segal, Jett Lee, and Arnald Schwartzenager's ass all at the same time in under .000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds.
Posted on July 25, 2006 at 02:20 PM
1 christina said...
My dad is a HUGE Chuck Norris fan so dont hate!
Posted on November 18, 2005 at 03:45 PM